Almost June

Tomorrow is the first day of June. I haven’t been to this space since February. I do feel as though I am slowly emerging from a fog at the same time as the weather has thawed into Spring from Winter.

Both of the children have had haircuts since I snapped these photos. So much changes in the blink of an eye with kids. Simon has only a short time left in preschool, and we will begin homeschool kindergarten in the Fall. Malcolm is a week away from being 8 months old, an age that I remember wishing I could pause and savor for longer when Simon was still a baby.

They keep me busy, that’s for sure. I’m still home with them during the day, and still striving to find a more purposeful rhythm for our days. I have been enjoying observing them as siblings. Seeing how much my children adore one another is the most rewarding thing.

I have much more to say, but for now I just wanted to pop back in, touch base with my corner of the web. I have set a personal goal to pick up the camera more often (not just the one on my cell phone), and get blogging again.

So, see you back again soon.

Doldrums

February is almost over. There has been snow, snow, and more snow. And freezing cold temperatures. I am incredibly thankful to my wood stove. Yesterday our ceiling in the kitchen sprung a leak, and Jeramy spent the greater portion of his evening on the roof, breaking up an 8-inch thick ice dam. I made supper and sang “Raindrops keep falling on my head!”

Days lately all seem very much the same. I am home with the children. Two days a week Simon goes to preschool and I have some one-on-one time with Malcolm, who is now almost 5 months old. Jeramy comes home, we make supper, put the big kid to bed. I read, Jeramy plays a game, the baby nurses and falls asleep. The three of us go to bed. It all starts over the next day. It is that part of winter. The doldrums.

Thank goodness for books and tea, coffee and chocolate, occasional sunshine even on the coldest of days.

A Winter Night

The above photos were taken on solstice at sunset. Now, as I write, it is snowing. The house is peaceful. I am the only one home and awake. I probably ought to be taking advantage of sleep time myself right now, but instead I am enjoying the crackling warmth of the wood stove and indulging in the opportunity to be creative, without noise or distraction. (As well as writing this post, of course.) I have worked a bit on a painting in progress, read some of my current book, and started writing out on paper a checklist of book to read this year as part of a reading challenge I am joining in with friends.

Time like this is precious when you are a mother of small children.

Our Mornings

Through my sleep, I become aware of the sound of 4-year-old mouth-breathing in my room, and then feel the mattress start bouncing as he climbs into my bed and starts whining at me to move over and make room for him to snuggle. I groan and grumble at him to stop pulling on my blanket, but I move over anyway. “Snuggling” lasts for maybe two minutes, before he becomes bored, and begins his list of demands for breakfast, someone to play with him, and/or for me to rub or scratch his back. Usually, I complain that the numbers on the clock say it is too early, and that he needs to go play in his room for a few minutes, and give Mumma a chance to wake up.

Occasionally, this plan works, and I get to spend another 15 minutes or so dozing, while I listen to the imaginative narrations and sound effects of his play over the baby monitor. My bubble inevitably bursts though, as Lego creations are thrust into my face, or shouts of “Can you come wipe my butt!!!?” wake me again.

When we come down the stairs, he is chatty—too chatty for an introverted, non-morning person Mom to handle before coffee. I relish in closing the bathroom door behind me for a moment, creating a physical barrier between us, so that I can pee in peace. However, he usually bursts in on me anyway, says he “just wants to be with me”, and sits on his little bathroom step stool, staring at me while I do my business, and giving me a grin that is somehow simultaneously endearing and obnoxious.

We then make our way to the kitchen, where the regular routine of me suggesting something for breakfast, and him repeatedly asking: “But what else do we have?” begins. This either ends in me losing patience, and making him whatever I am having anyway despite his protests, or giving in and allowing him to have a yogurt tube (they are supposed to be for preschool lunches) and crackers for breakfast, while I have my granola and fruit.

Finally, at the breakfast table, I usually get my moment of peace. He is too impatient to get on with the day’s playing, and instead of demanding and arguing that he stay at the table to eat, I allow him to come and go, returning to the table for an occasional bite, while he makes tinker toy contraptions, or engages a toy ninja in a fight with a knight. His needs being met, and off in his little world, I sip my coffee, eat my own breakfast, and read a book or doodle in my sketchbook. My brain slowly thaws from grogginess, and I become, at least a little bit, human.

At one point, I formed an idealized vision–of us having breakfast together every morning, side-by-side at the table, enjoying conversation–and I tried to make it a reality. This resulted in too much squirminess on his part, and too much impatience on mine. I believe in the importance of the family meal, which we fulfill at dinnertime. Breakfast and lunch with my child, on the days when we are home together, are much more relaxed and fluid, and I have decided to be OK with that, rather than beat myself up about it.

Today is one of such days at home. I do not have to work, and he has no preschool. He has a runny nose and slight cough, so I want to keep him inside the house and as relaxed as possible in order to avoid this little cold from combining with his asthma and becoming croup or worse. I am also heavily pregnant, so while my hope is to get all of the laundry done, dishes washed, dinner planned, and vacuuming done, I am accepting the reality that it might not all happen.

I am reading and drinking a cup of tea while he watches Magic School Bus. He comes over for a bite of his food and sees my mug. “Can I have some tea?” he asks.

I go pour some of the still warm water from my tea preparations into a mug, add a blueberry tea bag, and bring it to the table. He comes back into the dining room, and reaches for his mug. Something catches his attention on the television, he fails to stop paying attention to his actions, and his flailing arm knocks his tea over. (I knew I should not have filled it up so full.)

“Oops! I didn’t mean to.” he tells me, as I jump up and start frantically moving things out-of-the-way before the spreading tea puddle can get to them.
“Quick!”, I shout, “Go get the paper towels!”
He intends to, but he is taking time, perfecting his dismount from the chair.
“Go get the paper towels!”
He is still worried more about doing just the right kind of jump than his shouting mother.
“UGH!”, I sigh with frustration, and make my way to the kitchen to grab what I need, leaving the puddle still spreading on the table. I then make a totally uncool Mom move, when I blurt: “Why are you NEVER fast enough when I ask you to do something!?” I instantly regret these words of criticism, and take a deep inhale. “I’m sorry. I am not mad at you. I am only frustrated because you were not paying attention. I know it was an accident.”

I wipe up the huge spill (Really, why did I fill his mug so full?), he wanders back off to watch his show, and I take another deep breath. The tea missed my library book, and the basket of clean laundry that really should not have been on the table we eat at in the first place, and at least the dining room now smells like blueberries. Finally, I go put on a new pot of water to make him a fresh cup of tea before plopping back down to read more of my book.

Eventually, I will feel ready to get on with the day. I will get myself dressed, and some days, I even manage to convince him to change out of his pajamas too. I will load the dishwasher, and scratching even just one thing off my to-do list will make me feel accomplished. We will glue buttons onto cardboard together , or build a castle out of blocks. He will eventually demand lunch, and I will insist that he have some type of fruit or vegetable with it. He will mope that he just wants pickles and pretzels, and I will try to explain proper nutrition as I spread peanut butter. We will read a pile of picture books, or draw on the driveway with chalk. I will try to pick up clutter while he follows me around like a puppy, pretending to be a baby armadillo, or praying mantis, or whatever the animal/insect of the day is. He will constantly run in front of me, almost tripping me up, and I will silently wish that he would stop talking in a baby voice. At 2:30 I will excitedly announce that Daddy will be home soon, and start mentally counting down the minutes as I wait to hear his car pull into the drive. At this point, the afternoon shifts, and the second half of our day begins.

It took me a while to accept the fact that I am not a get-up-and-go, seize the day type of Mom. I was never that way before kids, so why should I expect it of myself now, when I am even more tired and more frequently overwhelmed? On the days that we do have to be out of the house early, I somehow manage to do what takes me hours on our days at home, in the span of 45 minutes. Those days I feel like Superwoman for getting us both fed, dressed, packed, and out the door and into the car. Somehow I even do my hair, put on makeup, and accessorize. I usually only do this twice a week, but somehow it seems like a humongous feat, despite the fact that I know other parents do the same thing every single week day. Then, our next day at home will arrive, and I will feel slow again, and in need of another long “thaw”. I cannot compare myself with those other 5-days-a-week parents, because their family has different needs, and they are different people.
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I am not entirely sure why I felt the need to record and to blog about our mornings. Perhaps it is because I know it will soon change, with the arrival of the new Baby. This post can be a little snapshot to look back on later, including the good and the imperfect, of what our relaxed routine was like with Mumma home and only one child. Perhaps it is a step in my continuing efforts to remain comfortable with my parenting style, and to be OK with who I am as a Mom. I am sure that I am not the only parent out there, who feels less than stellar first thing after waking up, and who might worry about how our being tired effects our abilities with our kids.

I think it is both.

In The Kitchen

We have been cooking up a storm lately. Having a daily meal together is one of our family values, one that we have neglected far too much in recent months, with my pregnancy being rough on me, and us still not being quite fully settled into our new home. Jeramy and I want to eat more healthfully and seasonally, to role model a good relationship with food for our children, and to stick to a budget while sharing the experience of family time spent at the dinner table.

In need of some inspiration, I checked out a new cookbook from the library, and drafted a meal plan from there that was realistic for our tastes. When I create weekly meal plans it is better for our budget, saves us time, and means fewer trips to the store. I spend a little bit of time once a week, looking at recipes, writing the grocery list, and looking at the calendar to see what our evening schedule looks like every day. Once that bit of work is done though, and the grocery trip has been made, I am free from the stress and panic of “What’s for dinner?” each day.

The best part is that not only have I been rediscovering joy in cooking for myself, but Jeramy and Simon have too. Most nights, all three of us are in the kitchen together to prepare dinner. Simon has shown increasing interest in helping, and learning about recipes and ingredients. He has assisted with chopping, stirring, measuring, and scooping. He even helps set the table now. And though he tends to be a picky eater most of the time, being involved in the process has invited him to try new things. It certainly takes longer to prep a meal with a small child, but it is so worth it. He is learning so much, and having a very valuable experience. Cooking together as a family creates memories.

 

Snuggle Chat

Simon and I were snuggled up together on the couch this morning, as I read him a pile of picture books. I was wearing a tank top, and he looked up at me and said:

“Mumma, your armpit is dis-gus-ting!”

“What!? Why is it disgusting?” I asked him.

“Because it has hair in it.”

Amused, I explained: “That is because I am a grownup. When you grow up you will have hair growing in your armpits too.”

“Ewwww!” he replied. “Well, then, I am not growing up.”

Rainy Days Are For Art

Last week we had several rainy and chilly Spring days in a row. On one of those days, Simon found a box of art supplies and asked to take it out. Never one to turn down art, I of course brought out the box, and we ended up spending hours together being creative and messy.

We found an old plaster mask inside that Simon got at a local kid’s art studio last year, and which he periodically adds to or re-paints. He started out by putting more foam stickers onto the mask, and then a fresh layer of paint. From there he moved on to painting on newspaper, exploring mixing colors on his palette, and then splattering water onto construction paper to see how he could make it change color.

While he did all of this, I used crayons and paint to work on some sketches of my own. I find that when I make art with materials that are less “precious” I tend to feel more free to explore and express. I think this process is good for me as an artist, because I release my tendency of being a perfectionist and just let go and have fun with the process. It is also probably good role modeling for Simon to see that you can be fearless about artistic expression, and not fuss about what it looks like.

Eventually Simon discovered the perler beads, and began working on making a star. I was amazed at how focused he was on this, seeing it through to completion with determination, even when the beads would sometimes tumble off of the shape if he bumped them. Once his star was filled in and ironed, he moved back over to the other side of the table again, and drew with crayons for a while before discovering that he could dip them in the paint and use them instead of a paintbrush.

So much exploration of materials took place, and I was amazed by how much time Simon invested in his artwork. Times like this are my favorite, where there is no right or wrong answer, we just pull stuff out and see what happens.

Breaking Bad…Habits

It is very difficult to admit to oneself when a bad habit has developed. It takes a certain level of self-awareness to even recognize when something you are doing is having a negative impact on your life, let alone to do something about it. I recently came to realize that I have a bad habit when it comes to my constant use of the internet.

Not only do I have a computer, but I recently got my first smart phone, something I had avoided for a long time because I felt in unnecessary. With the new technology came an increase in temptation to simply pop online to check Facebook, Pinterest, Goodreads…any of my favorite sites. It was easy to check it all before, but now I had access in my pocket, wherever I might be. A bad habit had become a worse one.

It wasn’t just that I was being distracted from my own tasks, I was also sending a message to Simon that the internet was a priority for his Mumma. Not something I want to role model, especially in a world that more and more tries to reel kids into the latest technology, and away from using their imaginations and learning from their surroundings. I also believe in and will espouse the value of setting limits for use of technology, but was not living up to my own convictions. So, after thinking it over a bit, and admitting to myself that my internet habit was interfering with my ability to be in the moment and to find motivation, I realized I had to break it.

I talked to my husband about it, because he has the same bad habit. He agreed we needed to work on it. So we came up with a new rule: No internet until Simon is in bed. This means no frivolous browsing on either our computers or our phones while he is around. The acceptable exceptions would be things like checking the bank account balance or paying a bill, looking up how to get somewhere, finding a recipe, etc. Otherwise, there is no reason why it cannot wait until after the child is in bed.

The new rule has been in place for about a week now, and we have both broken it a couple of times. The other day, while Simon ran around in the yard to play, and I sat on the deck with my iced coffee, I popped onto facebook. Today he actually took a nap and I decided to hop online for a few minutes. So, I still need to work on it, but even those times when I did break the rule, it was when Simon was not around me. And overall, I have been successful at staying away from the temptation to just pop on needlessly.

The thing is, we think we are more connected when we use the internet. And yes, in some ways we are. For example, I have friends and acquaintances that I communicate with exclusively on the internet. However, the reality is, spending time online takes us away from the connectedness that comes from being where we are, in the real world, with the people who are there. What is happening right now will change from moment to fleeting moment, but the internet will still be waiting for me when and if I do decide to surf at the end of the day. The messages don’t care what time I check them, the blog posts and articles won’t disappear if they aren’t read immediately.

The internet–social media in particular–is addicting. But giving up the addiction and setting healthy boundaries is much more rewarding.

Spring Days

Spring is moving along, finally feeling like it is here to stay, despite some chilly and rainy days scattered here and there. But it does get easier to get out of bed each morning, with everything outside being so new and fresh. As the days pass, my pregnancy is also getting a bit easier. I have felt a return of some energy, and my constant nausea has eased up some, though not left completely.

The results of some blood work ordered by my midwife revealed that I was very low in vitamin D. I should not have been surprised, given that I tend to struggle to get enough of this vitamin, and we did have an especially long and difficult winter that kept me indoors. Since taking extra D daily, and making an effort to eat certain foods that will help, I have felt a definite shift for the better. I am finding my daily motivation much more easily, my mood is better, and my husband has even noticed, and said I seem a bit more like myself.

Simon and I have been on a big reading kick lately. We are a family that is very fond of books all of the time, but lately, even with the increased time we have been spending outdoors, we have been reading even more. At the library last week Simon discovered a particular comic book, which he will spend an hour or more at a time poring over silently. We just finished our second chapter book read-aloud together in the Beverly Cleary series about Ralph mouse, and he is eager to get started on the third. He asks me all the time to read to him “our Ralph book”. Of course, there are also always piles of picture books to read together as well. Having his Mom work on the Children’s floor of the library is a definite perk for Simon.

As for me, well there are books on pregnancy and childbirth that I am reading and re-reading. A couple of my favorites include Your Best Birth by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein, and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin. Both of those are books that I read when pregnant the first time around, and they inspired me so much that I had to read them again this time. I am also currently enjoying Gentle Birth Choices by Barbara Harper. I have many more on my to-read list before this baby arrives. Of course, I am also reading non-birth related books as well. I always have a small stack of three to six books in progress.

We have been going outside whenever possible, and Simon and I both even got little sunburns on our noses last week. I have been working to remove grass and weeds for another section of the garden, and discovered that I have peonies growing. On Easter, the weather was beautiful enough for an egg hunt, and Simon loved it so much that he wanted to hide and find eggs over and over again. I believe we had dozens and dozens of egg hunts that week, both inside and out. It feels terrific to be able to throw open the windows and let in the fresh air and sunshine most days. The cats are loving that part too, as they growl and chatter at the birds and squirrels.

My to-do list is quite overwhelming right now, with spring cleaning, Simon’s birthday approaching, home renovations, and a garden to discover and care for. Despite the clutter, the projects, and the pregnancy related tiredness, it feels so good to be spending our first spring season in our new home.

A New Routine

As I have mentioned before, this pregnancy has been a very rough one, making me feel sick almost all of the time. Through all of this, I have had a much harder time focusing on daily tasks, and fully being there for Simon on our days at home together. For a while, I often felt foggy, confused, and…kind of lost. At any given time of day I had no idea what we were supposed to be doing. Simon would ask “When is lunch?” and I would uncertainly answer: “Ummmm, right now?” We had no structure going from day to day, and I felt so much guilt because I know most children, including my own, thrive on routine. During a particularly difficult day over a week ago, I exasperatedly reached for my laptop and googled: “stay-at-home mom schedule”, hoping to find some inspiration that would get me back on track.

I spent some time reading blogs and articles, in which other stay-at-home parents shared their daily schedules, and tips for how they keep going without a boss or a deadline to keep them moving forward. I also reached out on facebook to other parents I know, asking how they structure their days. I got inspired to make a new plan for Simon and I.

One thing I noticed right away was how most others agreed that a rigid plan is a bad idea. The daily routine needs to be in place, but also be very flexible. Children are unpredictable. So is the weather, the budget, and the flow of life. One week might bring freezing rain every day, keeping us inside and unable or unwilling to go on a daily outing. The next week might require a lot of extra errands. I knew whatever plan I came up with could not be too strict or I would become discouraged when, inevitably, I could not keep up with it. It was to be more of a guideline than set in stone. Basically, I needed something to reference on my more foggy-brained days, when Simon asks: “What are we going to do now, Mumma?”

So, I typed out a routine for us to use on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. (The other two days of the week Simon has preschool, and I work at the Library.) Weekends are a toss-up and will change so much that there was no point in scheduling them. (Plus, Jeramy is home on the weekends to help me .)  Here is what I came up with:

~7am: Wake up time. Spend the next hour making breakfast, drinking tea, and shaking off sleep. Eat breakfast together at the table.

~8am: Getting dressed for the day. Shower if needed, get myself and Simon dressed, brush teeth.

~9am: Go somewhere, or go outside. Unless the weather really stinks, get out and run errands, have an adventure, or spend some time in the yard.

~11am: Prepare lunch together. Eat together at the table.

~12pm: Time Out. Simon can watch some tv or play quietly. I can use my computer or read. This is a good time for another cup of tea. Also a good time to blog.

~1pm: Activity time. Get out some art supplies, do some puzzles together, create a project, read aloud from our current chapter book.

~2pm: Time for a healthy, energizing snack. Smoothies, fruit, nuts, popcorn, etc. An afternoon pick-me-up. Enjoy the snack out on the deck if it is nice.

~2:15pm: Pick up time. Do some clean-up around the house. Put on some music, throw in a load of dishes or laundry, and do the chores that need to be done that day.

~3:30pm: Daddy is home. Depending on the day, different things may happen: family errands, Daddy and Simon playtime, Mumma working an evening shift, etc. Start prepping dinner.

~5pm: Dinner. Eat early because Simon goes to bed early.

~6pm: Pick up time. Simon picks up toys he has taken out. Mumma and Daddy pick up after supper. Tidy things up before bedtime.

~6:30pm: Start Simon’s bedtime routine: pajamas, brush teeth, sip of water, bedtime story, lullabies, tuck in.

~7pm: Mumma and Daddy can collapse on the couch.
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Last week was our first week with this routine. We have not yet fully conformed to it. One day Simon slept in late so everything was pushed back and we ended up skipping a few parts of the routine. On another day we ended up on a much longer outing than I had expected, and didn’t get back home until late afternoon. Today, we spent most of our morning reading books together, because it was too cold and windy for us to go anywhere. However, we have followed the schedule part-time. When I am not sure what to do next, I can simply glance at the clock and the schedule posted on the fridge, and feel reassured. I have been more productive and more present for my son. For this, I am thankful.